I Heart My Little A-Holes by Alpert Karen

Author:Alpert, Karen [Alpert, Karen]
Language: eng
Format: epub, mobi
Publisher: Baby Sideburns
Published: 2013-10-20T00:00:00+00:00

Roses are red,

Violets are blue,

To the grandparents who all sent musical cards to the kids,

F.U.

Daylight Savings can kiss my ass

Seriously? Are you kidding me? My kids are finally both sleeping through the night so of course it’s time to F with their schedule. Time to change the stupid clocks AGAIN. Here’s what I think about Daylight Savings Time:

1. At first I have to run it through my head— Spring forward, Fall back—so this time we set the clocks forward. Wait, is that a good thing? And then I remember it’s never a good thing anymore. It was good when I was single and partying and we got an extra hour of sleep in the Fall, but now I’m a parent and they both SUCK ASS.

2. Yeah, I know it’s going to seem awesome tomorrow morning when I look at the clock and it’s 7AM and neither kid is up yet, but it’s total bullshit. Because tomorrow night when I’m trying to put the kids down for bed at 7:30, it’s really only 6:30, and it’s gonna be like they downed 6 Red Bulls and three 5-Hour Energies right before getting tucked in. Does anyone know where I can buy some of those restraining straps they have at mental hospitals because I’m going to need some to keep them in bed?

3. I love walking through the house the next day and trying to figure out which appliance is modern enough to change on its own and which ones I need to change manually. And by love I mean hate.

4. And of all the ones I have to change manually, when I hold the button down does it scroll through the numbers quickly or does it tick…by…one…at…a…time…until…you…. want…to…kill…yourself? So finally you just start pressing the button over and over again really fast and want to kill yourself again when you accidentally go past the number you meant to stop at.

5. And then you’re playing downstairs with the kids in the playroom a few days later and there are twenty minutes until naptime, until suddenly you realize the clock you’ve been looking at was never changed. Aggggh! It’s like 40 minutes PAST naptime! Which explains why your kids are such cranky a-holes and why they’ll be cranky later today too when you have to wake them up so they don’t sleep too late and ruin their bedtime.

6. Maybe I’m an idiot, but why is it so crazy hard to change the clock in the car? (yeah, that makes sense, turn OFF the power to change it. WTF???) So for weeks you don’t change it and every time you look at it you just add an hour in your head. And then one day you get to school a little early and you use the time you’re waiting to finally change the clock, only every time you look at the clock from now on you keep adding an hour to it because now it’s a habit. So A. You think you’re always running late. And B.

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